There are few things more capable of dividing an otherwise pleasant workplace than the office thermostat. Forget politics, sports rivalries or who keeps leaving the pungent leftovers in the fridge, again. The real battle begins when someone quietly walks over to the thermostat and changes it by two degrees.
On one side are those who believe the office should resemble a meat locker. They arrive wearing sweaters in July, wrap themselves in blankets and insist the air conditioner is “finally working.” On the other side are those who believe the thermostat should recreate the climate of the tropics. They sit comfortably in shorts and T-shirts while the rest of the office begins questioning whether they have accidentally been transferred to a sauna. Then there is the unfortunate majority in the middle, normal people who have learned that the safest workplace attire is apparently layers.
Perhaps it is time for diplomacy. Under the proposed Constitution of Office Thermostats, no employee would have unilateral authority over the climate. The thermostat would be considered neutral territory, protected from unauthorized adjustments and mysterious temperature changes occurring during lunch. Those who are cold may wear a jacket. Those who are warm may remove a layer. Everyone may complain, because complaining is a fundamental workplace right.
The thermostat itself shall remain somewhere near 72 degrees, a temperature universally recognized as both reasonable and completely unacceptable. Any disagreement shall be settled through peaceful negotiation, followed by the traditional office procedure of blaming whoever touched the thermostat last. Perhaps the greatest lesson is that workplace harmony does not require everyone to be comfortable all the time. It simply requires us to recognize that your perfect temperature may be someone else’s personal climate emergency. So let us put down our space heaters, remove our winter coats and slowly step away from the thermostat. We have enough problems in the world without starting another Cold War in the conference room.
Signed by the Committee of Thermostat Controls, and absolutely nobody who controls the thermostat.