I can’t wait to complain about it being too cold outside or gripe about the kids needing a coat before going outside. It has been one hot summer, which has been amazing because we’ve had the opportunity to experience many firsts with our family! Like the summer, the fall season has a special way of strengthening the family and bringing everyone together. The weather is cooler; the colors are vibrant; pumpkins, costumes, iced pumpkin spiced chai tea lattes, fall traditions and holidays are all opportunities to slow down, be in the moment and reconnect. We have learned to appreciate these simple moments and realize the important role they have had in strengthening the family relationship. When children experience their caregiver’s safety, responsiveness and being emotionally available to their needs, that is when healthy attachment develops and when those caregiver qualities are experienced consistently, that is how attachment and connection are maintained. Oftentimes our family therapist reminds us that attachment is not about being the perfect parent, it is about consistency in our parenting and family routine. Attachment is built with repeatedly listening to the same story or joke, even when you know the outcome of the story or what the punchline will be. It is built and maintained when they’re comforted and loved on even when they have made big or small mistakes or simply feel overwhelmed. It is built by being present for them even when they’ve upset you.
Everyday interactions, those everyday interactions anyway, support emotional regulation. Kids, well none of us for that matter, are born knowing how to manage big feelings. Emotional regulation is learned through the relationships we have with our caregivers. When caregivers provide reassurance, remain calm, establish and maintain appropriate boundaries, they are teaching regulation. Even when we lose our temper, become lax on boundaries and consequences, we are still teaching regulation, just not healthy regulation. The key is consistency! We want our children to healthily regulate, and it all boils down to the foundation we lay as their caregivers. We won’t and don’t always get it right. When we become lax on boundaries or are too tired to follow through with consequences, we have to acknowledge that and make a point to follow through moving forward. We are all human beings doing our best to raise good humans, future adults. Ideally, over time, these experiences children have of caregivers following through, being present, consistent and holding true to boundaries assist in children developing the ability to regulate themselves and build confidence in handling life's challenges. With that being said, reconnecting, communication, enjoying one another and caring for friendship assists couples to remain available emotionally to not only one another but to the children as well.
October in Ponca City offers several opportunities to strengthen these connections. On Oct. 3 and 4, Oktoberfest will be at the Marland Mansion, providing families with the opportunity to enjoy quality time. This event is one we look forward to each year, and it’s only $5. Highlighting the importance of connecting as a couple, Midnight Masquerade formal ball, hosted by City Arts is on Oct. 9, also at the Marland Mansion. This 21-and-over event gives couples and friend groups an opportunity to invest in adult relationships, enjoy one another’s company and remember that healthy relationships require intentional care. The 20th anniversary of Goblins on Grand is scheduled for Oct. 15 or 20 if it rains. This citywide tradition gives children opportunities to participate in the community, build positive memories and experience the security that comes from family traditions. Family bonds are made through consistent connection, not perfection, so this month choose to be present, laugh at the predicable joke, listen to the story you’ve heard 1,000 times, make room for our kids and marriages, and ultimately, remember your family values.
Take care of yourselves and each other.
Ashley & Relo Adams
~ Adams Family Values