Coffee- The Real Employee Benefit

Every company likes to brag about its employee benefits. Health insurance? Nice retirement plan? Important. Paid time off? Absolutely. But let’s be honest, the real employee benefit is DK’s unhealthy commitment to coffee. We’re not entirely convinced DK has blood anymore. Medical science would probably classify it as a dark roast with subtle caramel notes. Most people drink coffee to wake up but not DK, he drinks coffee because the coffee gets lonely. By the time most of us have logged into our computers, DK has already made two trips to the coffeepot, greeted everyone in the building, solved three problems and somehow still has a full mug. We don’t know how many cups he drinks, because counting has become useless. The coffeepot no longer turns off; it simply sighs every time DK walks into the breakroom.

If you hear the coffee brewing at 2:47 p.m., nobody asks who started a fresh pot because we all know. When DK stands up holding an empty mug, everyone instinctively grabs theirs and follows him like ducklings headed to a pond. Forget Outlook notifications, as the sound of fresh coffee dripping is the office-wide announcement system. The copier somehow works better when DK is caffeinated, and meetings run efficiently because nobody wants to delay his next refill. The breakroom has become our unofficial conference room, because everyone eventually crosses paths with DK and the coffeepot.

At this point, we’ve started wondering if DK actually sleeps or if he simply plugs himself into the commercial coffee brewer overnight for a recharge. If the office ever loses power, we’re certain DK could generate enough kinetic energy from foot-tapping alone to keep the operations running until power is restored. So, while other companies advertise flexible schedules and wellness programs, we have something much more valuable, fresh coffee and DK’s personal assurance neither ever runs out!

DK, a man who has single-handedly kept the coffee industry alive, personally funded more coffee bean production than some small countries, and proven that “just one more cup” is not a beverage choice ... it’s a lifestyle.

Editor’s Note: The initials “DK” have been used to protect the innocent. Any resemblance to an actual co-worker who can identify the roast by smell from three offices away, and knows exactly when a fresh pot is brewed, is purely coincidental.